How to Stop the Fiery Holiday Drama between Separated Co-Parents Before It Even Starts

Navigating the holiday season with high conflict co-parents can be among the most challenging work faced by family court professionals.  Grievances about the allocation of time sharing, pick-ups and drop-offs, and last-minute scheduling changes can be overwhelming for both professionals and clients.  Here are some tips to share with clients to help make the holiday season a little bit easier before the conflict erupts. What other tips would you add?

Outsmart the Grinch Energy in Your Co-parenting this Season

Holidays have a way of exposing every crack in a co-parenting plan. One wrong text, a missed pickup, or a relative with too many opinions, and boom, the peace you promised yourself goes up in tinsel smoke.

This year, skip the power struggles and guilt trips. Let’s talk about how to build holidays that actually feel good for your kids and for you.

Scale Back the Surprises

Kids can handle reality; they just can’t handle surprises. A week or two before the holidays, sit down with a simple visual calendar. Color-code it if you want: blue days with Mom, green with Dad, gold for shared events.

Say, “Here’s what we know, and here’s what’s still being worked out.” Leave space for them to ask questions or make small requests. The goal is predictability, not perfection.

Cut the Competition

Stop trying to win Christmas. Kids don’t need two Santas; they need two parents who aren’t keeping score.

Coordinate gifts however you can to avoid duplicates. When your child tells you how fun it was at your ex’s, don’t flinch. Say, “I’m glad you had fun.” That single sentence frees your child from emotional tug-of-war.

Endings and Beginnings Can Actually Coexist

Stability feels safe. Pick one tradition from the old days and keep it alive. Then add one that belongs to your new version of family. Maybe it’s matching pajamas, midnight cocoa, or an old fashioned scavenger hunt.

And please—don’t feel sorry for your kids. The year after my separation, I had two gloomy teens who didn’t even want Christmas to come because their dad wouldn’t be part of the morning at our house. I finally sent them to their rooms and told them to make gifts from whatever they could find.

I still have the coupon book my son made for household chores and the little bundle my daughter gave her brother, including some of her electronics that he had been begging to play with. And now they were his. That day taught me that creativity and generosity grow best when we stop trying to fix sadness and just give it a purpose.

Plan for Calm and Expect Chaos

Things will go sideways. Flights, moods, or dinner rolls. Instead of spiraling, name it: “Okay, that didn’t go as planned. What can we do instead?” Make it a game. “Snowed in? Movie marathon.” “Grandma’s sick? Let’s drop off soup.” Flexibility is the best gift you can model.

When your kid melts down, they’re not being dramatic. They’re flooded. Validate it: “This feels like too much right now, huh?” Then help them ground. Hot cocoa, dog walk, building something together. When calm returns, name it: “You did it. Well done.”

Every calm exchange, every honest moment, every time you breathe instead of react, that’s progress. Say it: “That went better than last year.” You’re teaching resilience one grounded breath at a time.

Here’s the truth: the holidays don’t have to be picture-perfect to be peaceful. They just have to be real. Your kids don’t need magic. They need you, steady and present.

So go ahead. Light the candles, cue the playlist, burn a few cookies and let the icing be messy. Holiday spirit isn’t about the season. It’s about the energy you bring to whatever season of life you’re in. The sparkle comes from you, the one choosing calm, laughing at the chaos, and finding joy right where you stand.

Because peace isn’t found under the tree. It’s found in your tone, your breath, and your choice to stay present when it’s hardest.

Amy Armstrong, MSW 25-years of experience serving parents as an educator and parent coach. Amy founded The Center for Family Resolution in 2015 to provide mediation, co-parent coaching and parenting coordination for court-ordered families in counties throughout the state of Ohio and beyond. In 2020 Amy joined the staff at the Delaware County, Ohio Domestic Relations Court where she serves as a family resource coordinator for parents and leads the co-parent coaching program.